A STEP TO A NEW DIRECTION...

So today was definitely a good day. Kaylee and I went to jersey to visit my mom. I took some pics of her in the snow. ah she's so cute!!!! I then went to the doctors , and she prescribed me some meds . Bulimia causes a chemical imbalance which causes most patients to get depressed. Which to me sounds just about right considering the fact that sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed. But I find myself to be optimistic, which leads me to truly believing in my progress, and the one day this horrible addiction will be part of nothing but the past. But in order for me to get there I needed to find myself a mentor. Someone who will guide me into the right path. So i asked my mother to contact her pastor so that I could talk to him a little bit about what is going on, and maybe get some advice. I went to Starbucks,  had some iced tea lemonade( which by the way is delicious), and sat down. As I was waiting for the pastor, I noticed a familiar face. Turned out to be Tony, My junior year prom date. i go to catch up with him, and was very pleased to hear that he sobered up from his drug addiction, and is now going to medical school. Which to me was definitely a source of inspiration considering I myself am dealing with an addiction. So finally the pastor arrived and we spoke for about an hour and a half. i got to tell him how my life was going, and he of course said all the comforting words that i needed to hear. Including the fact that there was a addiction meeting going on at the church at 7 pm. So ii called the addictions counselor, and told him i was interested in participating in the group for my bulimia. He then told me that his wife suffered from this disorder for about 7 years, and she would also be willing to help through this process. of course I got all excited because deep inside its what Ive wanted all along, someone who knew EXACTLY what I was going through. So attended the meeting and, of course, absolutely LOVED it. I t was so comforting to know that there are people out there who goes through the same exact emotions as I do, on a daily basis. So it's definitely a meeting i will be attending every Tuesday.

Today I've came to a conclusion. A doctor isn't going to heal me. Neither is a psychologist. I need to stop trying to take control over my life, God is the only one who is capable of healing this disease, and it's up to me to allow HIM to do so.

So from now on, Lord, I am all Yours. 

My biggest enemy.

Fed Kaylee her dinner. Gave her a bath. Put her to bed. Just ate the veggie noodle soup i made, drank a bottle of arizona lemon flavored iced tea, went to the bathroom, and threw it all up. 

Bulimia. Many think they know about it. Most have absolutely no idea. Anyone that takes a look at me would never think I've been taken over by this vicious disease. I'm not skinny, hell I'm not even average. I'm overweight, and hating every single moment of it. It all started when i was 13 years old. I watched a movie about this girl who was a gymnast, and was introduced to bulimia by a friend. She would purge (throw up), so that she wouldn't gain weight, which eventually caused to her nearly dying. Many would watch that movie and be disgusted, or maybe even feel sorry for her. But not me. That movie became my inspiration, little did i know it would haunt me to this day. Unlike the girl in the movie, I was never an athlete, nor was I skinny. So I figured, since I did need to lose a lot of weight I would just get rid of some of my food, lose some weight and be happy. It started out with being once a day. Maybe twice. When i would eat and get that stuffed feeling, id go to the bathroom and get rid of it. Eventually I started binging out of boredom, which turned into a binging and purging cycle of 6 to 12 times a day. My life consisted of going to school, eating a salad at lunch going to the bathroom and getting rid of it. I would come home weigh myself, feel disgusted, eat, weigh myself, throw up, weigh myself, eat again, throw up, weigh myself, and that cycle would last about all day, everyday. No one ever noticed for the fact that i've always been overweight. At the age of 16 i decided to tell my sister about my problem. she then told my mother, who later took me to the doctor, who then referred me to therapy. I cannot say I never wanted help, otherwise I would of never told my sister about it, but the truth is I couldn't see myself coming out of this, I couldn't see myself being "normal". So I tried the therapy thing for about 2 months, met wonderful people, made some new friends, but for the financial reasons, among other things, i felt like it was my time to stop. BIG MISTAKE. Almost 5 years later, I'm sitting here, trying to keep myself from making it to the bathroom again. Only this time, I have an 18 month old  daughter in the other room, relying on me, and only me. 

I love her more then anything. And my biggest fear is seeing her grow up thinking im a failure, or, not seeing her grow up at all.