My biggest enemy.

Fed Kaylee her dinner. Gave her a bath. Put her to bed. Just ate the veggie noodle soup i made, drank a bottle of arizona lemon flavored iced tea, went to the bathroom, and threw it all up. 

Bulimia. Many think they know about it. Most have absolutely no idea. Anyone that takes a look at me would never think I've been taken over by this vicious disease. I'm not skinny, hell I'm not even average. I'm overweight, and hating every single moment of it. It all started when i was 13 years old. I watched a movie about this girl who was a gymnast, and was introduced to bulimia by a friend. She would purge (throw up), so that she wouldn't gain weight, which eventually caused to her nearly dying. Many would watch that movie and be disgusted, or maybe even feel sorry for her. But not me. That movie became my inspiration, little did i know it would haunt me to this day. Unlike the girl in the movie, I was never an athlete, nor was I skinny. So I figured, since I did need to lose a lot of weight I would just get rid of some of my food, lose some weight and be happy. It started out with being once a day. Maybe twice. When i would eat and get that stuffed feeling, id go to the bathroom and get rid of it. Eventually I started binging out of boredom, which turned into a binging and purging cycle of 6 to 12 times a day. My life consisted of going to school, eating a salad at lunch going to the bathroom and getting rid of it. I would come home weigh myself, feel disgusted, eat, weigh myself, throw up, weigh myself, eat again, throw up, weigh myself, and that cycle would last about all day, everyday. No one ever noticed for the fact that i've always been overweight. At the age of 16 i decided to tell my sister about my problem. she then told my mother, who later took me to the doctor, who then referred me to therapy. I cannot say I never wanted help, otherwise I would of never told my sister about it, but the truth is I couldn't see myself coming out of this, I couldn't see myself being "normal". So I tried the therapy thing for about 2 months, met wonderful people, made some new friends, but for the financial reasons, among other things, i felt like it was my time to stop. BIG MISTAKE. Almost 5 years later, I'm sitting here, trying to keep myself from making it to the bathroom again. Only this time, I have an 18 month old  daughter in the other room, relying on me, and only me. 

I love her more then anything. And my biggest fear is seeing her grow up thinking im a failure, or, not seeing her grow up at all.